So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
