Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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