Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
