the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
