youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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