Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
