I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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