if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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