You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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