Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Someone came in the potted fern
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
