I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Is it because I queefed?
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Randomize
