It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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