There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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