remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Randomize
