Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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