I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
