don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
