You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
