i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
