Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
