rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
