What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
My liver just broke up with me...
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
