Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
