FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
