Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
