The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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