If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
