thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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