I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Randomize
