Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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