I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Randomize
