Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
