Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
