I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
