I'm jealous of your bromance
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
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