I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
