there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
