I'm going to jail i love you
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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