i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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