she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
