fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
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