he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
