Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize