im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
