I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
meet me or not, i'm out of control
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Randomize
