why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
