I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize