Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
