I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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