It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize