I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
