I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
