As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Randomize
