Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
