Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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