thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
