I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
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