I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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