Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Randomize
